Again rises from the heart of suffering the ancient cry,
O God, why? O God, how long?
And the cry is met with silence.
~Jim Cotter

Which one is your spare?

Telling people that you have lost a child is not easy. I've been trying to talk more about Adam, especially with my co-workers. I have found that I am not the only bereaved parent there. Sad, but comforting too. I know that I can go to J. and she will totally understand what I am feeling.

When people find out about Adam,there are so many different reactions. I've tried to prepare myself for some of them but there are times that I'm taken aback. One woman asked if I had other children. When I said yes, she said "good!", as if Adam was a spare, since I had two other children, I wouldn't miss him. I wanted to ask her which one of her children was HER spare,which one would she be able to get over losing? I know there was no meaness in her question, I understand it, but it still hurt.

Memorial Day

Memorial Day was last week. I decided I needed to let the people I work with know about Adam and Memorial Day was a good day to do it. When I started the job, I didn't want anyone to know about what happened. I went to work and pretended to be normal. I smiled and talked to the customers. People would comment that I "must really love my job, I smiled all the time". They didn't know that every night when I got off work I cried all the way home. As the days went along, it got easier to pretend . All went well until one day, about a month ago. A man came to my register. He never even looked at me as he sat his things on the counter. He was talking to the young couple in line behind him, completely ignoring me. I stood there and listened. The young guy was an Iraqi vet and the older man was telling him how the VA would help him and his family. As I listened I could feel that lump in my throat. He finally looked at me and I started crying! I was embarrassed but I couldn't quit crying. I asked him if he could help me and my family. I had never cried at work before. After I got home, I realized that all the pretending I was doing was not helpful. I thought I was coping but I was really just in denial. I needed to tell my co-workers about Adam, and what better day to do that than Memorial Day. I put his picture on my locker. Just baby steps, I still can't talk alot about it but it is getting a little easier to say his name without bursting into tears.

Guilt

One thing I think that is common to most, if not all bereaved parents, is guilt. I have been dealing with mine. Logically I know I couldn't have stopped his death but I still feel guilt. On the morning of his death, at 10:30am Iraqi time, 1:30am my time, I lay awake in bed. Normally I would have been asleep but that night I couldn't seem to relax. I was just about to doze off when I had a sudden, urgent need to pray for Adam. I wish so much now, that I had gotten out of bed, face down on the floor and prayed like I had never prayed before. But I didn't. I lay in bed and said a quick prayer for Adam's safety, just like I did every night. I keep asking myself, "would that have made a difference?" was God telling me to pray for Adam's life? his salvation? I am struggling with my relationship with God. I have never doubted that God is real or in control but I have questioned his reasons for taking Adam. Is it wrong to question God?

Spring

The dogwoods are starting to bud. It won't be long before they are in full bloom.

When we bought our house in '96, it was winter so I didn't know what kind of trees we had on the property. Everything was bare and lifeless, nothing but naked trees everywhere. But, oh! that first spring was wonderful! We had fourteen dogwoods, and they were gorgeous! My whole yard was a mass of beautiful, snowy white flowers.

Every spring I looked forward to their blooming, but not anymore. I dread it now. Now it hurts to look at them.

The morning of April 26,2007, before we got the awful news of Adam's death, I had stopped in the driveway to admire the trees in all their glory. I thanked God for the beauty of it, never knowing that in just a few short hours my life, as I knew it, would never be the same. I was going to start on a journey that would never end, at least not on this earth. My hope is in Heaven.

The picture above was taken March 31, 2007. We had just had a new driveway poured and I was taking pictures to send to Adam. The pictures I sent were in some of his things that were sent home. I'm glad he got to see them.

A Wartime Prayer

Dear Lord,

Lest I continue in my complacent way,
Help me remember that somewhere,
somehow out there,
A man died for me today.

As long as there be war,
I then must ask and answer,
Am I worth dying for?

by Eleanor Roosevelt

More Happy Pictures!




Adam weighted 10 lbs.& 3 ozs. at birth.



He came into this world a bruiser. LOL He was a good baby, always happy. He was 2 months old in these pictures.





I was so blessed to be his mother.