Which one is your spare?

Telling people that you have lost a child is not easy. I've been trying to talk more about Adam, especially with my co-workers. I have found that I am not the only bereaved parent there. Sad, but comforting too. I know that I can go to J. and she will totally understand what I am feeling.

When people find out about Adam,there are so many different reactions. I've tried to prepare myself for some of them but there are times that I'm taken aback. One woman asked if I had other children. When I said yes, she said "good!", as if Adam was a spare, since I had two other children, I wouldn't miss him. I wanted to ask her which one of her children was HER spare,which one would she be able to get over losing? I know there was no meaness in her question, I understand it, but it still hurt.

Memorial Day

Memorial Day was last week. I decided I needed to let the people I work with know about Adam and Memorial Day was a good day to do it. When I started the job, I didn't want anyone to know about what happened. I went to work and pretended to be normal. I smiled and talked to the customers. People would comment that I "must really love my job, I smiled all the time". They didn't know that every night when I got off work I cried all the way home. As the days went along, it got easier to pretend . All went well until one day, about a month ago. A man came to my register. He never even looked at me as he sat his things on the counter. He was talking to the young couple in line behind him, completely ignoring me. I stood there and listened. The young guy was an Iraqi vet and the older man was telling him how the VA would help him and his family. As I listened I could feel that lump in my throat. He finally looked at me and I started crying! I was embarrassed but I couldn't quit crying. I asked him if he could help me and my family. I had never cried at work before. After I got home, I realized that all the pretending I was doing was not helpful. I thought I was coping but I was really just in denial. I needed to tell my co-workers about Adam, and what better day to do that than Memorial Day. I put his picture on my locker. Just baby steps, I still can't talk alot about it but it is getting a little easier to say his name without bursting into tears.