I am a Gold Star mother.

The one thing I prayed I would never be, yet, here I am.

Recently, on the Marine Parents forum, we GS parents were asked by a Blue Star mother,” Why does a death from war feel so different?” I tried to answer as best I could but I don’t feel like I gave a good answer. I haven’t been able to quit thinking of her question since then.

Why does it feel so different and does it really?? I don’t think it’s any more painful. The death of your child is the ultimate agony; there is nothing more painful regardless of how our child died. We all feel the same pain, shock, despair, longing. A parent should never have to bury their child!! It goes against the natural order. We bury our parents and our children bury us!!

Maybe one difference is that you start grieving your child before he is gone. When Adam got orders for Iraq, I started grieving for him. I knew what it meant to be at war. I knew the cost and I didn’t want to have to pay it! Adam knew it too but he willingly accepted it. He talked about it, tried to prepare me for it but I wouldn’t listen. The very thought made me feel sick. He said he had to take his dress blues with him. I asked why in the world would they make them take their dress blues!? I guess ignorance truly is bliss. Now I know why they take them.

I think it might also be different because our pain is so public. I couldn’t turn on the television or read a paper without seeing his picture or reading his story, our story, for weeks and weeks. Even today, almost two years later, the news media still uses his picture in stories. It’s always such a shock to be sitting there and suddenly see his face. In one way it is good because people remember him. He said he didn’t think anyone would care if he were killed. But in another way it’s not so good.

With every military death, I relive Adam’s. I mourn with their families. I know and feel what they are feeling. We were “blessed”; we got Adam back whole. We could have had an open casket but we chose not to. Parents of soldiers killed by IED’s don’t usually have that option. Adam was killed by a sniper. We didn’t have to make the agonizing decision of whether we wanted any found remains sent home for another burial. Another thing I had no idea could happen. Sadly, many families have to make that decision.

Two more soldiers from our area were killed this month. The week the parents waited for their son’s bodies to get home, I walked the floor and cried. Their bodies arriving at the airport was flashed across the television. There was no escaping it if I had the TV on. I should have turned it off. In my thoughts I was back at the airport, waiting for Adam. My daughter said that day was when she thought she might actually die from it. It was one of our hardest days.

We met the plane, and then went to the funeral home to view Adam’s body. Now I could not deny it, I could not pretend that they had made a mistake. The media was at the airport and followed us back to the funeral home. I understand the interest and they were all very respectful, for which I am very grateful. But it’s still hard. Adam is not just a story, he is our son. He is Amber and Josh’s brother and friend.

I guess I haven’t answered the question now either. Different? Yes but every death is different and the same; every death of a child is agony. You never “get over it”. You will never be the same person you were before and maybe that’s not a bad thing.