I don't have any particular reason to put this picture on my blog, I just miss seeing those beautiful blue eyes.

His helmet says "THIS END TOWARDS ENEMY" I miss his sense of humor! He loved to tease me. One time I asked what the "beyond" in Bed, Bath & Beyond meant. He told me, with a straight face, that in the back of the store they sold sex toys!! And I believed him!! He thought that was hilarious; he got Mom, AGAIN!

Tuesday was Veterans Day. The Wounded Warriors came in this weekend. There was about twenty or so of them. I was supposed to go to the Marine Corps Ball with them on Saturday but I couldn’t do it. How do I go to a Marine Corps Ball my son can’t go to? Adam wanted to go to the ball so much. He talked about it; he couldn’t wait until he could go. He was in the desert, training, so he had to miss that first one he was eligible to go to. And he didn’t make it home for the next one. I went to it last year and the whole time I was there I cried and kept asking myself what I was doing there! Watching those young marines dance and laugh, knowing some of them might not be alive next year, broke my heart. When I think about last year I don’t know how I sat there. I guess I was still in some kind of shock. Of course, the valium helped too. I did go to the Veterans dinner on Monday night and the breakfast on Tuesday but, boy, was it hard! Seeing those young men, some of whom were barely able to walk across the stage, just about did me in. I recognized one of the young wounded marines from last years ball. What a change a year can make! Last year he was in his dress blues, this year he had on a pair of jeans that looked too big for him and a gray hoodie. He looked sad and lost. I went up and hugged him after the breakfast; I wanted to bring him home with me. I don’t know how old he is but he looks like he is about 18. I haven’t been able to get him off my mind. I have cried all day. What will become of him, how will he handle all he has seen and heard? all the things that our country has asked him to do? I pray that God will send people into his life that will help him through this.

Josh took these pictures before him and Adam went out on New Years Eve 2006. Adam was on predeployment leave. He left for Iraq on 18 Jan 07.

I dreamed of Adam last night. I pray that I will dream of him but I'm not sure whether it is better to dream or not dream. Even if it is a good dream, you feel such heartache because you wake up to the reality that he really is gone. In my dream last night, he was smiling and seemed happy. He had that shy, mischievous grin on his face, the one that always makes me smile when I think of him. He hugged me and I didn't want to let him go. I put my cheek on his chest and thought to myself," I have to remember how he feels, how he smells" because in my dream I knew I was dreaming. Does that make sense? When I realized I was dreaming I started trying to scream, that scream that you can never get out. The scream that comes from the depths of your soul. The scream of the brokenhearted. I woke up crying and unable to breath. As I sit here, I'm still in my pajamas.

Last night before I went to sleep, I told myself I was going to go see my mom today but after I got up, it just seemed like too much of an effort to even get out of bed. If I didn't have to take the dogs out, I would probably still be there.

"When it seems that our sorrow is too great to be borne, let us think of the great family of the heavy-hearted into which our grief has given us entrance, and inevitably, we will feel about us their arms, their sympathy, their understanding."

~ Helen Keller

Will this hell I'm living in never end!?!? It's been a year and a half AND today I get more death certificates in the mail. It says mode of death-MURDER! My God! Sometimes I think this really is hell.

"The strands are all there; to the memory nothing is ever lost."

~ Eudora Welty

An old woman and her tattoo

One of my regrets is that I didn't get a tattoo for Adam while he was alive. He used to try to get me to get one. He loved tatts! He would say "Awww, Mom you have got to get a tattoo!!" and I would say "Adam, I am an old woman and old women do not get tattoos!" A week after we buried him, I went with my daughter, sister, niece and his fiancee and we all got matching tattoos. Actually, my daughter and youngest son had already gone and got theirs but she went with me so I could get one like hers. Who would have ever thought I would get a tattoo?! Adam said if I ever got 1, I would want to get more. And he was right!

Me, sister, niece, fiancee & daughter.

Oh, how I miss my boy!

The future is not yet ours; perhaps it never will be. If it comes, it may come wholly different from what we have foreseen. Let us shut our eyes, then, to that which God hides from us, and keeps in reserve in the treasures of His deep counsels. Let us worship without seeing; let us be silent; let us abide in peace.

-- Francois De Salignac De La Mothe Fenelon

But the souls of the righteous are in the hand of God, and there shall no torment touch them. In the sight of the unwise they seemed to die: and their departure is taken for misery, and their going from us to be utter destruction; but they are in peace.

-- The Wisdom of Solomon 3:1-3

Silent Cries

There are times in my life when my heart

cries out so loud for you

That I cringe,

wondering what others might think.

And then I realize

that only I can hear the screams.

They are a part of me,

like the blood rushing through my veins

and the breath leaving my lungs.

~Unknown

Grief is a very lonely place.

I thought by now I would have died from the pain of it but I haven't, so I guess you can't really die from a broken heart. You don't die and the pain never ends. You just learn to live with it.

"The pain of grief is just as much a part of life as the joy of love;

it is perhaps the price we pay for love"

- Colin Murray Parkes

I knew the possibilities.

I knew the possibilities. My dad was in the Army. I lived at Ft. Campbell Kentucky in 1964-67, during the Viet Nam war. I knew. But it still never prepared me for seeing those Marines in my driveway.
My husband and I were in Huntsville when he got a call from his office, telling him there were soldiers at our house. They only come to your house when there is a death. I knew, but knowing is not always believing. Someone else had on Adam’s uniform. Someone else had been wearing Adam’s dogtags. It couldn’t be him! It had to be a mistake! Please God, PLEASE!! I begged God to wake me up. This can’t be happening!
But it was. And I knew.

“We regret to inform you…” at least that’s how I think it went, I really don’t remember hearing them speak. I knew without hearing the words. The looks on their faces said it all. I found myself wanting to comfort them but how, when all I wanted to do was lay down and die. Someone had to go get my daughter from work. Someone does but I don’t know who. Someone had to get Adam’s fiancée from work. Someone does but I don’t know who. The Army was supposed to inform my youngest son that his brother was killed in Iraq but no one does. That responsibility falls to me. His anguished cry will be with me forever. He is stationed at Schofield Barracks, Hawaii. So far away. I can’t be there to hold him, to comfort him on his 24-hour plane ride home. We had to wait a week for Adam to get home. That week I prayed they were wrong. I kept waiting for him to call me and tell me there had been a horrible mistake, that he was alive. But…

I knew.

I know. Our lives will never be the same as they were before Adam was killed. We are going to have to hold tight to each other and find some kind of new normal.



When you lose a child your priorities change. I realize the only thing that matters is love. And I believe it’s the only thing you can take with you when you go.

DON'T BE AFRAID TO SAY HIS NAME
Please don't be afraid to say his name.He lived and was important to us. We need to hear his name.

If we cry and get emotional talking about him, please understand it isn't because of something you said or did. The fact that our child has died causes our tears. They are part of our healing.

Please don't devalue our child's life by removing his pictures or other remembrances from your home.We will have our emotional highs and lows, ups and downs.

Please don't think that if we have a good day, our grief is over - or that if we have a bad day, we need to see a psychiatrist.The death of a child is different from other losses. It is the ultimate tragedy, not to be compared with the loss of a parent, spouse, or pet.

Being a bereaved parent is not contagious, so please don't shy away from us. We need you.

Depression, anger, frustration, hopelessness, questioning of values and beliefs are to be expected following the death of a child. Allow us to feel these emotions without feeling guilty.

Don't expect our grief to be over in six months. We will never be cured or former bereaved parents, but will forever more miss and grieve for our child.

If we are not publicly hysterical, please do not consider that we are strong or doing well. Our minds and hearts are very likely screaming, and it is only a matter of time before we have to escape the public eye and retreat to our privacy to cry and scream.

Please send us a note saying you're thinking of us or praying for us. We draw on your support and strength. Although we aren't feeling sociable, your cards are important to us.

Understand our physical reactions to grief. We may gain or lose weight,sleep all the time, or none at all. Birthdays and holidays are difficult times.

Please tell us you are thinking of our child on these days and share your memories with us.

Avoid comments like "Get on with your life, you'll feel better", or"If you keep busy, you won't think about him". We want to think about him. Denial is much less painful than the reality that is our terror.

Don't suggest anti-depressants. We are not depressed. We are sad. There is a big difference. The only way to get through the grief is to experience it.

Understand that grief changes people. We are not the same people we were before our child died. We are forever changed. Try to get to know the new us, maybe you will still like us.Be patient with us.When in doubt of how to act around us - just ask.
~Unknown~

It's been a hard day but everyday is hard. I can't quit crying. I miss Adam so much. I close my eyes and remember the last time I saw him,"don't worry Mom, I'll be alright" I feel his face in my hands, the stubble. He hugs me and kisses me goodbye. I'm so afraid. I'm so scared. Please come home to me, PLEASE!!
I keep seeing the Marines sitting in my driveway. Oh God, NO, please, NO. Wake me up, please! this can't be real. It's got to be a nightmare!! PLEASE GOD!!!! Then, please just let me die. But I don't die either. I just go on. If it weren't for my other children I think I would just lay down and wait for death.

Graduation Day from Parris Island 2006.

CAMP HABBANIYAH, Iraq -
"Lance Cpl. Loggins."
The shout echoes across the room unanswered.
"Lance Cpl. Adam Loggins."
Again the shouted command rings out, only to be unanswered once more.
"Lance Cpl. Adam Eugene Loggins."
The command is unanswered yet again, though many of the men in the crowd wait for their fallen comrade to return it. As the final echo fades away and a trumpet plays Taps, they slowly walk down the aisle to say their final goodbyes to their friend, brother, and fellow warrior.
Marines and sailors from 3rd Battalion, 6th Marine Regiment packed into the Warrior's Rest Chapel here May 3, to mourn the loss and celebrate the life of one of their fallen brothers.
Lance Cpl. Adam E. Loggins, 27, from Athens, Ala., was killed in action April 26, 2007 while conducting combat operations in Al Anbar province. He was a member of L Company, 3rd Battalion, 6th Marine Regiment. His loss left a hole in the hearts of those who served with him and in the hearts of his family.
"Lance Cpl. Adam Loggins was much more than an outstanding Marine and a crack-shot machine gunner," said Lance Cpl. Victor A. Godoy. "He was a great man, a brother to us all, and a good friend to me."
Loggins joined the Marine Corps in January 2006 at the age of 26. Despite being significantly older than his fellow Marines, he bonded quickly with them. His age and maturity gave him an experienced view on life he shared with his fellow Marines.
"It's funny to think one could be called old at 27, but we had nicknamed him "Old Man" Loggins," said Godoy. "He was like a big brother to us and I will never forget him or the impact he had on my life."
Loggins spent his days in the turret of his Humvee where he provided security for his 'little brothers' on the ground. It was a role he excelled at.
"My eternal memory of Lance Cpl. Loggins is of him in his turret behind his (machine gun) smiling," said Capt Ryan J. Erisman, the commanding officer of L Company. "The combination was both awe-inspiring and deadly. A 240 pound Marine behind a 104 pound gun on top of a 40,000 pound truck. From his truck 15 feet in the air Lance Cpl. Loggins literally had our backs and was watching over our shoulders. Another Marine now rides in that turret; however Adam Loggins' spirit remains. Wherever Lima goes, he'll be watching over our shoulders and smiling."
The events of September 11, 2001 had a strong effect on Loggins. He was an adult on that infamous day and made the choice of one. He chose to be a Marine and serve his country in a time of war.
"The Lynyrd Skynyrd song that played prior to the service tells of how the lyric writer sees things changing around him, but yet feels the only thing he can do is put pen to paper and write about it," said Navy Lt. Michael R. Baker, the battalion's chaplain. "Adam saw the world about him change and he did something greater; he put on a uniform and set out to change the ills of the world."
One simple statement from Loggins' father summed up the pride and agony that his death caused: "That's the price you pay for raising men."
"These were the words that Danny Loggins said to me when I called to offer my condolences to a grieving father," said Lt. Col. James F McGrath, the battalion commanding officer. "The power of such a simple statement has lingered in my thoughts. It simultaneously speaks of incredible sorrow and intense pride."
Article I of the Code of Conduct governing the conduct of American servicemembers states: I am an American fighting man. I serve in the forces that guard my country and our way of life. I'm prepared to give my life in their defense.
"There's nothing hollow about these words," added McGrath. "On 26 April, 2007, Lance Cpl. Loggins put action to mere words and demonstrated his honor, his courage, and his commitment with his life. His life and his sacrifice are the embodiment of selfless service and truly mark Adam Loggins as a man. Yes, Mr. Loggins, there is indeed a price for raising men. Semper Fidelis."

Tears

"There is a sacredness in tears.They are not the mark of weakness, but of power.They speak more eloquently than ten thousand tongues.They are messengers of overwhelming grief,of deep contrition, and of unspeakable love."
-Washington Irving