I dreamed of Adam last night. I pray that I will dream of him but I'm not sure whether it is better to dream or not dream. Even if it is a good dream, you feel such heartache because you wake up to the reality that he really is gone. In my dream last night, he was smiling and seemed happy. He had that shy, mischievous grin on his face, the one that always makes me smile when I think of him. He hugged me and I didn't want to let him go. I put my cheek on his chest and thought to myself," I have to remember how he feels, how he smells" because in my dream I knew I was dreaming. Does that make sense? When I realized I was dreaming I started trying to scream, that scream that you can never get out. The scream that comes from the depths of your soul. The scream of the brokenhearted. I woke up crying and unable to breath. As I sit here, I'm still in my pajamas.

Last night before I went to sleep, I told myself I was going to go see my mom today but after I got up, it just seemed like too much of an effort to even get out of bed. If I didn't have to take the dogs out, I would probably still be there.